The tortoise and the Ice Man - The Square Ball 30/6/22
I LIKE TURTLES
Written by: Rob Conlon
Even in these few precious weeks of the year when football
gets as close as it ever can to leaving us alone for a breather, Leeds United
still exists in a state of perpetual anxiety. Excited about Marc Roca, Rasmus
Kristensen, and Brendan Aaronson adding some newness to our tired,
overstretched squad? Psyche! We’re selling our two best players below their
values to clubs with no soul!
It still feels like until the 49ers remember their online
banking password, Leeds are caught between two eras. The excitement of the new
and unknown is tinged with the trepidation of saying farewell to promotion
heroes or Bielsa cheat codes and guzzling the Premier League Kool Aid. I don’t
know about you, but I find that uncertainty confusing and conflicting. I need
reassurance. I need my faith in the world Leeds United now operates in
restoring. I need Illan Meslier force-feeding a giant tortoise some lettuce:
Meslier has already shown he enjoys living up to the ‘Ice
Man’ moniker, but this is cooler than cool. While we’re worrying about Kalvin
Phillips and Raphinha, and his mates are worrying about pre-season testing, the
only care in Illan’s world is that this tortoise eats its lettuce and doesn’t
go hungry. I had my doubts about how hungry the tortoise was in the first
place, it hardly wolfs down that first bite while Meslier continues holding the
rest in its face, but then CHOMP! Meslier knew exactly what it wanted all
along. I had no reason to doubt the Ice Man, but please please please don’t
leave your fingers too close to the jaws of exotic animals, Illan. We do not
need you testing out the Tony Iommi approach to goalkeeping.
Wholesome content. Just look at his face #lufc pic.twitter.com/lHZGxELxjU
— BARNEY 🦚🄺🄿 (@BarneyLUFC21) June 27, 2022
The video was originally posted on the Instagram stories of
Meslier’s partner, from their safari holiday in Zanzibar, Tanzania, by far the
most interesting location any Leeds player has visited this summer. Illan met
his new mate on the island of Changuu, also known as Prison Island. The prison
it takes its name from was built at the end of the 19th century by order of
British First Minister Lloyd Matthews, but never operated as a facility for
prisoners. The buildings were used as a hospital for patients quarantining
during the yellow fever epidemic. Today, they provide occasional shelter for
the giant tortoises who are conserved on the island. Here’s one old enough to
tell Meslier about its favourite Leeds City players getting stuck into some
foliage for scran. And here’s David Attenborough meeting some giant tortoises
on the Galápagos Islands. Does he push lettuce into their faces like our Illan?
No he does not. Leaving them hungry, the heartless bastard.
Whether Meslier is stroking Dan James’ cheek and kissing his
head or purring “mon bebe” into Gjanni Alioski’s ear, he might just be the most
affectionate member of Leeds’ squad. You can tell by the way he rushes from the
opposite end of the pitch to join his teammates celebrating Leeds goals that if
good vibes are on offer, you can bet Meslier is vibing. Given his miaow at
Alioski and his care for this turtle, his warmth clearly extends to animals as
well as humans. Maybe the day Illan leaves Leeds, we won’t have to worry about
the morals of his chosen destination. Instead, we’ll know he’s left for his
next calling in life, replacing David Attenborough, and giving the narration to
Blue Planet the French sex appeal it has always lacked.
