Judging Robin Koch by the covers of his books - The Square Ball 9/6/22

SHOES OFF THE SOFA

Written by: Rob Conlon

Much of Robin Koch’s time in Leeds has been spent in lockdowns, but when the opportunity has allowed he has wasted no time ticking off the checklist of any self-respecting hipster footballer. First there was the photoshoot with swanky German football magazine 11 Freunde outside an Elland Road greasy spoon, then there was the Insta post outside Leeds vintage shop Best after picking up some flared Carhartt cargo pants. Now he’s making movements all over the pages of SoccerBible, posing around Leeds dock and his penthouse apartment.

The shoot and accompanying interview are supposedly to advertise some adidas trainers. There are quite a few photos of Koch in the feature, but the trainers are only visible in three of them, presumably because the photographer was too preoccupied by the rest of his get-up and a face that belongs on the front of a magazine, particularly when adorned with a boxer’s cut just above the eye. If Koch and Pascal Struijk (who Robin seems to have tipped off about Best) emerge as Leeds’ first-choice centre-backs, we should automatically qualify for Europe for having a defensive pairing who belong on the cover of The Face.

Koch always comes across as a pleasant young man in interviews, even if he doesn’t give too much of himself away. There are a few nuggets in the SoccerBible piece about his work with Leeds Children’s Charity, preferring the city to the countryside, and struggling with the northern accent. On his culinary tastes, fish and chips are “absolutely fine”, but Yorkshire puddings are “not really for me”. I’m not sure how something as basic and staple as Yorkshire puddings can not really be for someone, it’s a bit like saying someone’s never got on board with bread, but I’m going to let Robin off because he said some nice things after being asked what he loves about Leeds:

🇩🇪 With a second Premier league season under his belt we caught up with @LUFC utility man and @DFB_Team_EN member Robin Koch to talk about his move to England, playing for Germany and Yorkshire puddings.#lufc #LeedsUnited

Full interview: https://t.co/K26Fa0kwiS pic.twitter.com/0Z9fDqvBAA

— SoccerBible (@SoccerBible) June 7, 2022

“When you’re here, you only realise how overwhelming the club really is, how it fascinates the city and its people. The fans are unique. They are incredibly open and from the beginning they gave me this feeling that I am now a part of Leeds United, a part of them. The whole city stands together.”

There was a chance to get more insight into Koch when he said he’s “very interested in other things apart from football to be able to switch off and clear my head”, but the interviewer never followed up. Because I think Robin Koch seems like an interesting man and I would like to know more about what else he enjoys, and also because I am a nosey bastard, I tried to find some clues in the photo of him sitting in his apartment (hopefully with his shoes off given his feet are on the sofa), and particularly his bookcase.

Mainly I want to know why EA Sports are yet to send him the latest edition of FIFA when he still has last year’s on display in a special box. There are only four more Playstation games on his shelves. I’m not much of a gamer, but I am almost certain they will feature at least one of Call of Duty, Grand Theft Auto, or Red Dead Redemption. If he really wanted to nail the aesthetic, he should have put away the box the Playstation came in rather than leave it in a corner.

Judging by the few titles of the books I can make out, the life of an elite athlete seems like hard work. His shelves are full of the usual self-improvement manuals Jake Humphrey probably thinks deserve a Pulitzer. They feature taglines like, ‘Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World’, ‘Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds’, ‘From Good to Great to Unstoppable’, ‘How to Think and Act Strategically to Deliver Outstanding Results’. Maybe that’s why Robin Koch is a professional footballer and I aren’t. He wants to be unstoppable, and I want to eat Yorkshire puddings.

But there are just enough signs in there that Koch is still competing with Mateusz Klich as Leeds’ leading hipster. The Lauson record player is perfectly placed in the background, vinyl already on the turntable, two sleeves casually tossed to its side. Judging by SoccerBible’s Insta post, the record on top is The Beatles’ Abbey Road. The identity of the second remains hidden, but given the copy of Keyboard For Dummies on his bookcase, I’m picturing Koch kicking back to a Blue Note Thelonious Monk anthology once he’s finished googling why Paul McCartney wasn’t wearing shoes on the zebra crossing.

The Zlatan Ibrahimovic autobiography is disheartening, but the spine of a Penguin Classic restores my hope even if I can’t make out its title. Koch spoke of watching the Take Us Home documentary to learn more about Leeds, so maybe he was brushing up on West Yorkshire with one of the Brontes.

And you literally can’t get any cooler than Wim ‘The Iceman’ Hof, known for loving nothing more than stripping off in the cold and having a nice deep breathe. Hof says his techniques can help with everything from mental health problems to diabetes, and is the main reason we all have a mate telling us to turn our shower cold for the last thirty seconds every morning. In 2017, as Hof was enlisting celebrities like Jim Carrey, Harrison Ford and Tom Cruise to spread the word, he told Rolling Stone:

“We’re on the brink of change of awareness and consciousness! Every person will be happy, strong and healthy! We’re awakening people! Then peace will come on this Earth! These famous actors, they’re gonna go up Mount Kilimanjaro in shorts! After that, the world will know!”

The profile also features Hof guiding a participant through his breathing:

“Squeeze it like you’ve got a big shit to get out of you! One that doesn’t want to get out! Squeeze, yeah! Nice!”

You shouldn’t judge a footballer by the cover of his books, but it was nice to get a glimpse into the life of Robin Koch. My impression of him as a person who would be interesting to hang around with has only increased. There’s just one thing I can’t let slide though. The needle on the record player isn’t actually on the vinyl. In that case you really should close the lid, Robin, otherwise it’s not going to play properly next time when it’s covered in dust.