Pat Roulette — Square Ball 15/5/24

SHOOTOUT

Written by: Rob Conlon

If — and it’s a big if — Angus Kinnear and Victor Orta had anything about them, they’d have made sure the loan clauses of Leeds’ deserters stipulated that should the fate of our season go down to a penalty shootout, we’d be able to recall them all and make them take one each. That way, if they scored, they’d finally be able to say they’ve done something useful for Leeds United. And if they missed, it’d hardly change anyone’s opinion of them.

Unfortunately, that’s not possible. If it comes to it, the poor sods we actually like are going to have to take them. In squad number order, here’s how I’d rate their chances.

Illan Meslier

He’s not very good at saving penalties, but I’d definitely have him in my first five to take one. I’m not sure whether that says more about Meslier or the rest of the Leeds squad.

Junior Firpo

Firpo has already taken two penalties for Leeds and it’s in keeping with his entire vibe that he stuck one into the top corner at Fulham and scuffed the other harmlessly wide in the Papa John’s Trophy at Crewe. He also scored one for Real Betis’ B team in the third tier of Spanish football, so fuck it. Roll the dice. Flip a coin. Put his name on the list.

Ethan Ampadu

Stepped up as the eighth penalty taker in our shootout defeat to Salford earlier in the season and very unconvincingly side-footed the ball about six inches to the goalie’s left. Eighth feels about right.

Charlie Cresswell

Absolutely leathered his penalty against Salford down the middle after a two-step run-up. It won’t come to him taking one, but if it does, I’m fine with it.

Liam Cooper

I kind of want to see it. But no. Just no.

Joel Piroe

No problem at all. The most relaxed person in the stadium. As long as he doesn’t start the game and is too tired to walk from the halfway line to the penalty area.

Glen Kamara

I’d rather Liam Cooper take one.

Pat Bamford

Pazza Bamfs standing on the spot at Wembley, ball in hand, waiting for a Leeds player to take it off him before he realises this time he’s got to take it himself. Genuinely legacy defining stuff. He scores, then injures himself celebrating and misses the entirety of next season. Legacy: defined.

Crysencio Summerville

If he doesn’t score his then we’re fucked.

Jaidon Anthony

Stylishly whipped into the bottom corner before disappearing back to the anonymity of Bournemouth AFC due to the misfortune of being born with two first names.

Kristoffer Klaesson

Do we bring him on so he can try to save them? The Transfermarkt page detailing his record facing penalties starts with two he saved in Norway, which got me excited, then I scrolled down and realised he’s conceded the other twelve. Stay sat down, Kris, none of this is your fault.

Joe Rodon

The first player in the history of association football to take a penalty kick with his head. Still somehow manages to put it over.

Stuart Dallas

There are much worse ideas.

Sonny Perkins

There are much better ideas.

Jamie Shackleton

Missed decisive penalties in shootout defeats against Hull and Salford. Someone’s got to be the fall guy. It’s sort of Shacks’ USP.

Dan James

While Wales’ players were celebrating Neco Williams making it 4-4 in their penalty shootout against Poland, Dan James was standing there knowing he had to take the fifth and looking like he was about to throw up. We know what happened next.

Pascal Struijk

Weirdly for a centre-half, he’s both up for taking one and good at scoring them. The David Unsworth of the Instagram generation.

Archie Gray

If he had to take one, he’d score. Of course he’d score. He’s Archie Bloody Gray! I’d just really rather he didn’t have to take one. Save the crushing mental scars of playing for Leeds United for when he’s out of his teens.

Georgi Rutter

He has scored one for Rennes in the Champions League, but he has also meekly passed one straight into Alex Cairns’ arms at Salford. Tell him to approach it like he’s taking a first touch and there’s every chance it could arrow into the top corner. Or out for a throw in.

Sam Byram

If Byram’s body manages to make it through 120 minutes without breaking down then it’s a sign the footballing gods are smiling down on us and we should let him take one. Actually, I’ve just seen he missed one in a shootout defeat at Doncaster under Uwe Rosler, so maybe don’t.

Karl Darlow

Penalties saved: five. Penalties conceded: 31. He has saved one from Bruno Fernandes though, so nice one, Karl. But given what we saw at Salford, he can stay sat down with Kris Klaesson.

Wilf Gnonto

Scores. Has a word with the ‘keeper. Pulls a silly face at the opposition fans. Gets a second booking from the ref. G’warn, Willy!

Joffy Gelhardt

Those bewitching few months of peak Joffymania will mean I’ll always have faith in him, even when there is evidence to suggest I shouldn’t, like the fact he’s taken ten penalties for the Under-21s and missed half of them.

Connor Roberts

A man who carries himself and his moustache with such supreme self-assurance is 100% in my first five to step up in a play-off semi-final shootout at Elland Road. He scores, then walks back to the halfway line holding his hamstring and misses the final.

Mateo Joseph

The new Joffy Gelhardt, with the same 50-50 success rate for the U21s to boot. Your time is now, Mateo.

Ilia Gruev

A man of many hidden talents, I’m as surprised as you are to learn he scored one for Bulgaria’s U17s — taken ahead of former Leeds hotshot Kun Temenuzhkov! — and another in a shootout for Werder Bremen. No pressure, Ilia, but I’d trust you with my life.