The performance art of Joe Gelhardt and Lewis Dunk - The Square Ball 16/5/22

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LEWIS DRUNK AMIRITE!

Written by: Rob Conlon

When Graham Potter sits his Brighton players down at their training ground and starts showing them clips of what they did well and what they did badly against Leeds, what will he say to Lewis Dunk?

Potter might be better off letting Dunk skip the session to save his captain the embarrassment. After all those videos of incisive attacks in the first half and Robert Sanchez’s fine goalkeeping in the second, what constructive feedback can Potter possibly say to Dunk as the rest of the squad are stifling their giggles, watching their leader failing to stop Joffy Gelhardt creating Pascal Struijk’s equaliser, looking like a drunk trying to teach himself capoeira?

Perhaps the only reassurance Potter can give Dunk is that he isn’t the first and won’t be the last defender bewitched by the sorcery in Joffy’s boots. It feels so long since Gelhardt was making his Elland Road debut by making Wolves’ defence look like Bobby Robson’s England against Diego Maradona at the 1986 World Cup. Maybe one day someone like Conor Coady will earn a payday bigger than Steve Hodge after revealing he was lucky enough to swap shirts with Gelhardt that day. Joffy’s winner against Norwich was the right-place-right-time finish of an instinctive goalscorer, but it was only possible because of a leap to beat Ben Gibson in the air that was born out of a Keep Fighting belligerence. There will be plenty of arguments about what this season could have looked like if Gelhardt had played more, but holy hell we should be thankful we have a kid that has been able to play this much and this decisively.

The timing and improvisations of Sunday’s assist was like potting black to win at the Crucible after swapping a snooker cue for a party popper. The dummy to send Marc Cucurella running towards the East Stand was deft enough, but the scoop to make Dunk try to tackle him with a backheel on all fours deserves to be ranked among Raphinha causing a commentator to sound worried about the wellbeing of Gary Cahill. Dunk was still on the floor when Struijk was heading in at the back post, sinking his head into the turf after the ball crossed the line. Joffy’s reward was a kick in the neck from the leaping Junior Firpo and a get better hug from Lewis Bate.

Last week Dunk said he will have no regrets if he fails to add to his solitary England cap, and if the chance to represent his country comes around again it will be a “bonus”. That sounds like a wise perspective; if he’s not careful he might end up having to train against Gelhardt and getting laughed out of St George’s Park. He also said he wants to spend the rest of his career at Brighton and retire as a one-club player. Given what Joffy did to him, if Dunk is being serious, I suggest it’s time for him to call it a day now.

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