Morecambe & Wise, Vic & Bob, Bamford & Dorigo - The Square Ball 4/4/22

DOUBLE ACT

Written by: Rob Conlon

It’s not just Leeds United’s players trying to get used to Jesse Marsch’s football, but everyone watching inside Elland Road. Against Southampton, Leeds looked like a team used to playing one way, still learning how to play another. The crowd was caught somewhere in between.

While Leeds’ outfielders were reminding themselves Marsch wants to go “from 100 to 70”, the fans still see moments to go from “100 to 150”. That meant everybody was shouting at Illan Meslier, all asking for different things. If goal-kicks were passed short to Diego Llorente, we wanted them hoofed up the pitch away from him. When Meslier kicked long, fans in the Kop were bemoaning a ‘nothing ball’ the moment it left his foot — even if Luke Ayling won the subsequent header.

The uncertainty is spreading to the gantry. Bryn Law was commentating for LUTV, spotting a chance for Leeds to counter-attack after Meslier caught a Southampton cross. “Well, Leeds won’t hang around now, will they?” he said. Rodrigo was asking Meslier to roll the ball fast to his feet, and the crowd were, more forcefully, letting him know they wanted the same thing. Behind Meslier, Llorente was screaming from atop his brass neck for the goalkeeper to calm down.

Illan did what the loudest voice was saying, while wishing everyone would stop being so angry with him. Ninety seconds later, Leeds were 1-0 up thanks to Jackie Harrison. But between Meslier taking a deep breath and Harrison prodding the ball into the net, Liam Cooper had made a tackle with his head while lying on the floor after Leeds’ initial patient build up led to Southampton’s own attempt to counter. Marsch may want Leeds to chill out, but it’s difficult not to think they’re better off embracing the chaos.

I left Elland Road wondering if I was being unfair by thinking Leeds didn’t have much imagination for the rest of the game. When they did seem to have an idea, it was often a bad one. Sitting next to Bryn Law for the day, the artist formerly known as Podcast Pat Bamford became, um, Grantham’s Gantry Guy? Maybe he could explain to me what Leeds were trying to do?

Pazza Bamfs has clearly been paying attention to his new boss, explaining Leeds’ tactics with a Marschism about how the team stays compact when pressing “like keeping a net over the team”. In theory, that means when Leeds win the ball their attackers are all positioned close together, so it’s easier for them to link and create chances. In practice, with Leeds playing against a team coached by someone who has read the same manual as Jesse, Southampton’s players were all standing together too, so two nets just kept getting tangled up. That was until Southampton left-back Kyle Walker-Peters realised he might as well stand away from everyone else, and it only took a couple of passes for Leeds to look exposed.

“It’s tough sometimes when the net doesn’t work,” Bamford said. “Then obviously they get out and there’s a lot of space out wide. It’s important we win the ball back when everyone is close together.” Not wanting to sound too much like Lee Clark, but this is a point that gets missed whenever tactics are discussed — it doesn’t matter if it’s Bielsa or Marsch, man to man or zonal, if you don’t do it well, the system won’t work.

Bamford reserved his most encouraging words for the returning Liam Cooper, punctuating Bryn and Tony Dorigo’s commentary with lots of, “Yes Coops, brilliant Coops.” After Cooper made a covering tackle in front of the East Stand, Bamford was chuckling about his captain’s recently fixed hamstring. “That would’ve tested it out,” he said. “When was the last time we saw that?” Dorigo asked of the man whose own hamstring pinged during a giddy run in front of the family stand. Bryn started talking about Leeds’ bad luck with injuries, but Pat knew the score. “I got your reference, don’t worry.”

The understated praise for Cooper’s return was put into perspective by A) Jonny Cooper’s latest stat that he is the first Leeds player to appear under ten different managers, and B) Llorente not being so much on A Mad One, but on An Actually You Should Probably Calm Down Now Mate One. It doesn’t matter whether Llorente is playing well or badly, there is always a streak of madness to his performances. Watching on Saturday, Bamford said out loud what the squad must be telling themselves whenever Llorente starts Cruyff-turning on the edge of his own penalty area. “I’m just going to pretend he did it on purpose.”

For the rest of the game Bamford was sharing the same frustrations as the fans in the stands. He was shouting for Dan James to shoot whenever he passed, and wanting him to pass whenever he tried shooting. When James ignored the chance to play his teammate in for a chance, Bamford let out a pained, “Rapha, Rapha, Rapha,Raphaaaaaaaaaa.” When Bryn and Dorigo were admitting they’re not sure how the offside rule works anymore, Pazza eased their concerns. “I wouldn’t worry about it. Neither do I.” His double act with Dorigo blossomed when Bryn asked why VAR can’t be used to check when Leeds aren’t given blatant corners. They responded in perfect unison: “We’d be here all day.”

We might like to poke fun at Bamford for not being your typical footballer, but Leeds has clearly rubbed off on him. With one last chance to counter, Bamford encouraged his teammates with a cry straight from the South Stand: “Attack. Attack. Attack.” And asked whether Leeds are only a few points away from safety, Bamford replied with the pessimism of someone who knows Leeds United all too well. “I’d like ten more at least to be safe.”